Feeling weird.

So, it's been a month (today) since Dad died.  Life's kind of starting to go back to "normal."  Not everything we do somehow relates directly to his death.  And it's weird.

I know I've heard and read people say this.  That it feels like you're leaving your loved one behind.  That's kinda it.  I mean, my dad lived to be 80.  He had a GREAT life.  It's not that his death was shocking.  Old people die.  But he was MY dad.  And I don't really know HOW to leave him behind.  I know people say…"you're not leaving him behind…he'll always be with you."  Yes, I get that.  But he lived in my house with us…and now there's just a hole.  It's not like he lived across the country and I was used to not seeing him, you know?

He had many serious health problems.  We knew his death was coming.  But even still…death is shocking.  It's hard to process, even when you're absolutely certain that your loved one is in a better place.

I guess there is a certain "comfort" in grieving, too.  I know that sounds weird.  But immediately following someone's death, you grieve…and that's exactly what everyone expects from you.  But then as time moves on a little bit…you start to participate in life again…and it's SO uncomfortable.  Does that make sense?  It's SO exhausting to try to be "normal."