Anxious

My anxiety is pushing back today. I'm not sure why, although I can think of a few reasons.

I haven't been feeling great, we're coming into finals week, my dad's health isn't great, the month is ending and the money's tight, I'm going on a solo road trip next week. Any one of those can cause me anxiety, so all of them together? I shouldn't be surprised. But still I don't like feeling this way.

I don't like over analyzing every feeling I have to try to identify if it's legitimate or not. That's exhausting.

Patrick's head is really hurting today (I mean...it hurts everyday, but today it's really a bad one), so his demeanor is "playing" right into my anxious feelings. My psyche sees his demeanor, and I feel myself thinking "see? he's nervous about XXX too." Ugh. So. What to do?

I've been studying some for finals, and doing some house-cleaning. But I find myself pretty distracted. I should probably work out. I should write in my journal. I guess those are two good places to start.

Study-for-Finals Friday

I can't believe this semester is nearly over. It has flown by, and with it, my first "year" of college and all of my pre-requisite classes, end too.

As you might remember, I finished my computer class early, so I have three finals still to take. One of them will be online...as in, take at home. I can take it any time between 4/28 and 5/2. The other two (which are also the hard two) are on Tuesday. Guess what I'll be doing this weekend???

I haven't felt very well this week. My allergies fired up in full force, and I've been exhausted with sore throat and ears all week. My head has also been very "swimmy," which I hope is allergy related, too. Because of how rotten I've been feeling, I haven't worked out. Boo. And when I don't work out, I don't eat quite as well. Nothing horrible to report, just not as careful as I was being. And probably related to allllll of that, my anxiety has been acting up a bit too. Again, nothing major...just there.

Some things that have brightened this week relate to my wonderful friends. I have one new friendship blossoming, and two "old?" friendships that are just such a blessing to me. I am a lucky girl.

Shan is ushering for a school play tonight, and then is having a friend sleep over. My house is as clean as it gets and dinner is in the crockpot. I guess it's time to hit the textbooks again!

Sad heart

I don't want to rehash everything that happened, but yesterday was so hard.

My dad, in addition to having small-cell lung cancer and COPD, suffers from Alzheimer's Disease. I think in his mind he still feels 40 years old, and thinks he can still do the things he used to. This just isn't the case. It's not safe for him. Yesterday was a day when it all boiled to a head again, and there was lots of yelling, crying, etc. It was awful. And now, I just feel...empty and numb. I'm still sitting on the couch in my pajamas, and it's 1:45 in the afternoon. I have no classes today, so I slept in after a pretty sleepless night. I got up, ate a HB egg, started dinner and ran the dishwasher.

And now, here I sit. I'm just...sad.

What Should Cindy Do?

I've been making better choices the past several days. It feels good. It feels responsible. It feels like I'm doing right by myself. I've been procrastinating less. The house is cleaner. We're eating home-cooked meals (made by me). I'm exercising every day. How am I doing it? I'm listening to myself. Radical! When I walk through the bathroom, and see hair on the floor...I think "I should sweep that up." So I do. When I sit on the couch, I think "I should exercise." So I do. When I see messy kitchen counters because no one has emptied the dishwasher, I think "someone should empty that." So I do. I'm not sure how well this will represent as you read it. But, it's a shift in thinking from procrastination, which is ruled by the "someone should do that," or "I'll do it later." (Which never comes.) Now when I hear my brain say "should," I'm now turning it into an action item. And that feels better!

Mission Accomplished

It felt good to process all that out of my system yesterday.  Sometimes you just need to word-vomit it all out so you can start fresh.

Last night when Patrick got home from school, I showed him the recipes I'd found, showed him my insanely OCD shopping list, and told him what I was going to do today.  He was really happy for me.  He knows my struggles, but gives me the time to come to decisions on my own.  He has several food issues (gluten intolerance, peanut sensitivity, etc.) and eats quite clean on his own.  I'm more of the junk food hound of the family.

So anyway, today I prepped my four freezer meals...and guess what?  It was easy, and (shhhh) a little fun.  Also?  I'm not good at chopping onions.  I chose two recipes (Savory Chicken, and Sausage and Peppers) that I had pinned on Pinterest.  They were originally posted by Ring Around the Rosies.

Being so new to this, I followed her instructions pretty much to the letter.  I feel all accomplished and domestic now.

Straight Talk

This may be long.

So.  I've kinda fallen off my healthy eating bandwagon.  Not even kinda fallen off.  I've fallen off.  I ate Cheetos for breakfast today.

For the past couple (3?) weeks I just haven't been able to care.  I wanted to eat crap.  I wasn't being defiant.  I wasn't really upset about anything...I just wanted to eat junk.

My school schedule is such right now that all of my classes are on ONE day per week.  This means with a bit of homework and studying...essentially I have six days a week "to myself."  Now, I have a family, and pets, and elderly parents living here...but you know what I mean.

I have been thinking a lot about my habits lately.  Not necessarily doing anything about them...but thinking.  Today, a few things became clear to me.

1. I eat out of boredom.
2. I eat for "fun."
3. I'm lazy and like others to prepare my food.
4. Diet Coke is a "gateway drug" for me.

Ouch.  Reading that list makes me feel like crap.  Can I just grow up already?!?

Anyway.  I've always known I eat when I'm bored.  It kind of goes hand-in-hand with the eating for fun, and Diet Coke ones, actually.  I think a big problem for me is that eating and food are entertainment for me.  This isn't rocket science...but wow.  Food is supposed to be NUTRITION, not a pass-time.  My negative self-talk has been going crazy while I've been thinking about all this.

"Who wants to eat fruits and vegetables all the time?"  "But what will I eat for fun?"  (STOP RIGHT THERE, SELF!!! Food's not SUPPOSED to be fun.  It's supposed to be food.)  "But I don't want to drink water with breakfast."  "I'm gonna miss all my favorite foods."  "Well, you can still eat them on your free days."

Ugh.  I see so much wrong in there.

How do I go from seeing the wrongness to implementing and LIKING the process of healthy choices?

Patrick asked me to go to the grocery store today.  We got paid yesterday, and I don't have school today.  But I was not looking forward to it.  I kinda hate grocery shopping.  I never know what to buy.  I always worry about the cost of healthy foods, so tend to stick to the "cheaper" choices.  As P was leaving for school, he gave me a brochure that someone in his speech class had given him.  (They had to do a persuasive speech, and this guy did his on the benefits of Paleo eating. His handout was a week of menus and a shopping list. Patrick and I have both expressed an interest in Paleo.  It makes sense to us.) So anyway.  Patrick gave me the list and said "Maybe this will give you some inspiration."

I sat and read over it.  And I liked it.  It made me think of some of the stuff I've pinned on Pinterest, but done nothing with.  Before I knew it, I was at my computer, pulling up recipes.  Then I putting together a detailed shopping list.  I got everything on my list, and nothing more.  And it came to $104, which I think is pretty darn good.  The least healthy thing I bought was pepperoni, which is for a recipe.  I also gone one box of crackers for Shannon, since she likes to occasionally eat cheese and crackers for a snack.

It feels good.  Tomorrow I'm going to prep the food, and create freezer-to-crockpot meals.  I think this will relieve some of my "I HATE TO PREP FOOD" issue that I run into daily.  If I spend 60-90 minutes prepping food tomorrow, I'll be basically done for the WEEK.  That's a good thing.

So now, where am I?  I know in my heart that the way I've been eating is not good for me.  I know that the excuses I give myself are BS. I *WANT* to be fit and  healthy.  And the kicker is...I know how to get there!  The speed bump is MY BRAIN.

I guess what I'm realizing is that I'm addicted to food, and addicted to Diet Coke.  That I can't just ASSume that I'll "wake up" and do the right thing.  That this is going to be have to be a purposeful, daily decision.  And that I'm worth it.

Pushing through

I'm having a bit of a rough time the past few weeks.  Things have just been...stressful, and unfortunately, a lot of times when I get stressed I withdraw.  From friends, from life, from healthy choices...from everything.

I'm ok.  We're ok. School is ok...it's just life stuff.

My dad's health has hit another rocky patch, and it's just so worrisome.  With all of the health concerns he has, I just can't help but wonder which rocky patch will be his last.  Y'know?  When he's hospitalized, I can't help but allow my mind to wonder, "Will he come home?"  The good news is...this time he will.  In fact, he's scheduled to come home tomorrow if things keep going well. So, that's great news.

The sale of my parents house fell through...again.  It's a super long story, and I don't really want to sound like I'm complaining...but it's just hard.  Their house is in an extremely remote area, so there isn't much of a market even when the economy isn't awful.  In June, their house will have been on the market for three YEARS.  We never in a million years thought it would take this long, so we did things like started college (living on financial aid), etc.  Now with my dad's health, and us living on an extremely limited budget...having the sale fall through is just scary.  We NEED it to sell.  Just, ugh.

We will get through it.  We always have.  It just gets hard, and I get tired.  I suppose that's normal.

I finished my computer class last week, so I'm taking today to tackle a bunch of jobs around the house that I'd ordinarily love to procrastinate on. It does feel good to accomplish them.

Be vewwy vewwy quiet...

I'm hunting wabbits!

Happy Easter!!!

Sorry for the radio silence.  Everything is going fine over here...just been busy, and life, etc.

I'm excited that my sister is here to visit for Easter and our dad's 80th birthday on 4/3.  He's post-chemo this week, so feeling pretty cruddy...but it's nice to just sit around and talk and laugh.  We had a nice quiet Easter.  The bunny was good to us: he brought us chocolate and iTunes money.  We had a nice ham dinner and watched some movies together.  Good family time.

Shannon has spring break this week.  Today, Patrick is at a doctor appointment, and then we're going to take my sister on a little hike.  Should be fun!