Feeling weird.

So, it's been a month (today) since Dad died.  Life's kind of starting to go back to "normal."  Not everything we do somehow relates directly to his death.  And it's weird.

I know I've heard and read people say this.  That it feels like you're leaving your loved one behind.  That's kinda it.  I mean, my dad lived to be 80.  He had a GREAT life.  It's not that his death was shocking.  Old people die.  But he was MY dad.  And I don't really know HOW to leave him behind.  I know people say…"you're not leaving him behind…he'll always be with you."  Yes, I get that.  But he lived in my house with us…and now there's just a hole.  It's not like he lived across the country and I was used to not seeing him, you know?

He had many serious health problems.  We knew his death was coming.  But even still…death is shocking.  It's hard to process, even when you're absolutely certain that your loved one is in a better place.

I guess there is a certain "comfort" in grieving, too.  I know that sounds weird.  But immediately following someone's death, you grieve…and that's exactly what everyone expects from you.  But then as time moves on a little bit…you start to participate in life again…and it's SO uncomfortable.  Does that make sense?  It's SO exhausting to try to be "normal."

Living and Losing

My life has turned upside down.  It feels like everything that I'd gotten used to has changed.  That is an over-generalization…but I'm still reeling.

A few times in the past weeks/months, it's occurred to me that I could journal/blog some of what's going on…but then I just feel like…why?  Do people still blog?  Would it help me?  Would it help anyone else?  I don't know.  Is it worth the effort? Probably.

Sigh.

I think I'll do a little "unload" now, just so if I decide to come and blog again, I don't have to do an even "huger" catch-up post.  But I think I will do the Reader's Digest Condensed version.  As much as I'd love to share it all…I guess that may just have to come with time.  I don't have it in me to type it all tonight.  (But as I'm typing now…it does feel good to begin to let some out.)

The biggies are that my dad died and I've (temporarily) withdrawn from school and am (most likely) changing my program of study.  OK there.  The band-aid has been torn off, and now I can just begin to share again.  (Anytime I have lapsed in blogging…so much happens that it becomes this enormous speed bump to getting started again.  "Ugh, I'd blog, but there's too much to say.  Where to even start?")

Anyway.  Yes, my dad passed away on January 9, 2014 here at home.  He entered hospice just before Christmas and weakened dramatically every day.  It was very hard and scary to watch, but also beautiful and "satisfying???" (gosh that's the wrong word…but maybe you know what I'm saying) to know that (the bulk) of his care was in our hands.  His death was peaceful and beautiful.  I will never regret the time we got to spend with him at the end of his life.

And then, yes…I decided that I needed time to grieve.  Time to help my mom with her grief.  Time to be with my family.  I withdrew from school, initially just for this semester.  But then, very quickly realized…and this will be a story for another day…that if I was withdrawing, that it was a perfect opportunity for me to switch to a program that more closely matched my personality.  It's a very difficult thing to realize that just because you love something, and are good at it, that it's not necessarily a "match."   Holy upheaval, Batman!

So, I feel like I blinked and everything I'd come to accept as "how it was" has changed.  It's hard to come to terms with.  It's hard to look at your future (at age 42) and see a blank canvas.  I don't want to whine or complain.  I've been given a beautiful life, and I am so grateful.  I've gotten to enjoy my parents for a lot longer than many, many people.  Still…it's just hard.

I'm reeling.  I'm slowly (is it slowly?  It's "only" been about 3-1/2 weeks.  But it feels slow.) seeing the "fog" lifting.  I just don't know exactly where to turn now.

It's Here

I start school tomorrow.  Moreover, I start my Surgical Technologist program tomorrow.

If you ask me how I feel about it...I'm excited!!!  But I'm also scared.  This has been something I've wanted to do for SO long.  It was never time for me to leave my job and chase this dream.  Finally...I MADE it be time.  It's true that if you wait for the right time to do something, you'll never do it.

It was exciting and scary to leave my job and go to school to get my pre-reqs done.  But it still wasn't TIME.

Then I got accepted into the program...but it still wasn't TIME.

NOW it is TIME.  My dream is staring me right in the face, and tomorrow I will begin.  When I think about what the next year holds for me, I get overwhelmed.  So, I guess the answer there is to just manage each day as it comes.

Happy Anniversary to us!

Today is our 23rd wedding anniversary.  July 14, 1990 is one of my most cherished memories.  We married young, and so many people questioned it.  But we knew.  We always knew.  Patrick actually asked me to marry him the very first day he asked me to date him.  LOL!  Yes, really!  We ended up dating 3-1/2 years before we got married.  I wasn't too keen on getting married at age 15!

Getting married young, one thing Patrick and I knew was that we would have to grow...together.  It seems like so many young married couples grow apart as their relationship continues.  We have always strived to communicate, respect, and encourage each other.

I am very proud of us.  I would marry him all over again.  In a heartbeat.

Lots of Updates

I got in!!! I am now an official student in the Surgical Technologist program!

My interview was on Wednesday  morning, and yesterday afternoon I got the call that I was selected!  I'm terribly excited...and also nervous.  It's going to be HARD.  But I can do hard things.  The hard is what makes it great...right?  LOL!  I've always heard, and I believe that if your dreams don't scare you, that they're not big enough.  I have a mandatory meeting on the 18th where we'll find out about our classes, choose our scrub color, etc.  SO excited.

The big decision we were wrestling with has been decided.  Patrick will not be returning to school this fall.  I'm super proud that he's been able to attend school this long, with his chronic pain.  He'd been going part-time up until last semester.  That seemed to allow him enough "recovery" time to keep going.  Last semester he had to go full-time to complete his pre-reqs for the Rad. Tech. program, and it was SO hard on him.  His pain level was higher, and his energy level was almost non-existant.  His grades suffered a bit.  He was selected for an interview, and I am CERTAIN would have been accepted into the Rad. Tech. program...but it's just too much for him right now.  It would be a 21-month straight, full-time commitment.  He just can't.    Besides his health, having both of us in our programs at the same time, plus Shannon in her junior year, plus my dad's health...would be a HUGE strain on our family.  His health was the deciding factor, but we have realized that it will be better for all of us to get me through my program (which is only a year) and working full-time.  At that point, we'll see how he's doing, etc.  His pre-reqs are good for five years...so we are hoping that he will get to finish at some point.

Tying a knot, and hanging on

Whoa, this week has been unreal.  We've had one after another thing go wrong, need to be fixed, etc.  We are just hemorrhaging money that we don't have.  Scary stuff.  I hope and pray this trend ends...like, RIGHT NOW.  We're at the end of our resources, and I'm not sure what we'll do if it continues.

The good news is I did get called for an interview for the Surg. Tech. department.  My interview is on July 10th at 10.

In addition to our financial situation, we're mentally wrestling with another huge life decision.  I'm sorry that's vague...but I don't want to talk about online publicly until we've decided for sure.  Would you say a prayer for us to have clarity of mind and to make the best choice for our family?  I promise that when we've decided I will come tell about it.

A month?!?

I can't believe how long it's been since I've blogged.  Life's been cooking along pretty crazily.

We're all out for summer vacation.  Patrick and I have done two overnight back packing trips. Shan's been busy with her friends.  Dad's health is stable for right now.

Tomorrow I'll be taking my HOBET test, and Patrick has his interview for the Rad Tech program.

Money's tight, but what else is new, ya know?