Tuesday, March 9, 2010

The illusion of control

My mind has been swirling the past few days. I've had sort of an anxious, unsettled feeling. These feelings aren't new for me...but I hadn't felt them for awhile. When I feel them begin to creep in, I need to pay attention. Left alone, these feelings grow...and take me to places that are hard to get out of.

I've been feeling...scared. Like something was coming...and I wasn't prepared.

I've talked to Patrick about it, and he's reassured me over and over that everything is ok. And it's not that I don't believe him. I do. Rationally, I know that he's right. Things aren't "perfect," but when are they ever? They're our normal...and that is fine.

But the feeling remained.

I've prayed. I've asked God to reveal to me what I need to do. I've prayed for the strength to handle whatever is coming.

But the feeling remained.

This morning as I was getting ready for work, I could just feel this heaviness...dread, almost. I sat down next to Patrick on the bed, and we talked some more. I had to leave for work, but I told him I would pray some more, and listen to some uplifting music on my way.

Out of all the CD's I had in the car, the most appropriate was a copy of Britt Nicole's "The Lost Get Found" that a friend gave me. I like the whole album...well, except track 6, but anyway...I have three favorite songs. I decided to just put them on, and pray.

One of the songs..."Have your Way" (which is one of my favorites), got through my anxiety. Where other things have not reached me...that song made me hear that I am right where I am supposed to be. That God has plans for me, and that I need to trust Him with where I am. It is not up to me to force the control. I give up my worries and anxiety to God...it's just the LEAVING them with God that I have trouble with.

I'm going to continue working on this. I going to do some visualizations tonight to help me further.

While I'm "relieved" to have figured out what is causing my anxiety...I get frustrated with myself, because I have been in this place before. I feel so HUMAN when I find myself coming back to things I'd already dealt with, needing to do it again. Sigh.


Jackiedlc said...

HI Cindy,

I finally leave a comment :)

God is good and the more we spend with Him the more He reveals himself to us and comforts us. Continue to pray and bringing all your troubles to Him- You will have to do this over and over for is part of the Human in us...

Kepp Holding on to Him and as you worte cast your cares on to Him.. Is hard to leave them there- but our God knows us far too well and takes care of us anyways..

God Bless Jackie

Heather - Hopelessly Flawed said...

"I give up my worries and anxiety to God...it's just the LEAVING them with God that I have trouble with."

Me too.

I am blessed that I'm not much of a worrierm but even after praying I can't stop thinking, planning...I wish that I could learn to wait in peace and just listen.

I will pray for your peace tonight as well.

Rebecca Livermore said...

I'm sorry to hear about the anxiety you are experiencing, but glad you are turning to the God who is the Prince of Peace. I'm also thankful that you have a husband who is supportive of you. I'm praying for you tonight!

Megan said...

I'm sorry you're feeling so anxious lately! I get those feelings from time to time too, and it's always hard to just shake it off. Thinking of you and hope things get better soon!

Kate said...

Anxiety blows.

Love how you are choosing to work through it. I will pray for you in this area.


Courtney said...

Many prayers going up for you!

Mama (Heidi) said...

Thank you for stopping by and leaving a sweet comment.

I to loathe re-dealing with issues, but I always feel like in re-dealing I pull back another layer on the onion, so to speak. Praying you through this time of anxiety.